I actually liked my hair buzzed when I had makeup on! Now it’s just in a super awkward stage haha!

For those of you that may not know my story— it involves being dumped by my partner of 7+ years midway through chemotherapy treatment.

At the lowest point of my life, I was moved back in with my parents (at the age of 29 after having been on my own since the age of 19), lost my dog to my ex (who has since been surrendered back to the rescue we had gotten her from 6 years ago), lived hundreds of miles away from most of my best friends, and of course, was fighting to beat cancer.

To top it off, I was left January 24th… late one Friday night over a phone call. I have never seen my ex-partner again. In fact, I have no contact with him now that we’ve FINALLY sorted all the logistics of our breakup (which took nearly 9 months! It involved sorting out the ownership of our vehicle, figuring out work benefits, etc.)

I’m writing this blog post because I couldn’t find ANY resources online for women like me at the time of my breakup and I remember feeling so lost, insecure, and alone.

The sad thing is, it’s pretty common.

Plenty of women in my Facebook support groups told me they had been through something similar but never really talked about it and continued treatment alone.

“Men aren’t caregivers” I’ve been told. I was told by one woman that her surgeon estimated about 1/3 of men left their partners during a battle with cancer… let that sink in for a moment…

This made me incredibly sad and angry. I thanked the universe we never had children together. Or owned property together. Or ran a company together. If we had shared any more in life, it would’ve been that much harder…

There is nothing worse than loneliness— especially in a situation like this. I can’t even explain to you how empty I had felt. I felt as though I had truly lost EVERYTHING.

Thank goodness I had my parents and brother. Thank goodness I had a handful of friends near me (and some amazing ones to support me online too). That was about all I had to keep me sane during those dark months.

Otherwise… my life had been completely torn apart.

I always told myself it would be a blessing in disguise. I believe that statement is what got me by in my darkest of moments.

Just a couple of weeks after my breakup I decided to take charge of my life.

I joined pole fitness (something active, fun, and new to try on my own— I’ve always wanted to try, so why not now?!) and decided to give online dating a try.

Sure, I was aware of what Tinder was, but since I had always been in long-term relationships had never had the app before.

I downloaded the app, did my ‘hair’ and makeup, took a few photos, and made a profile.

Instantly I had messages and was chatting away with strangers around my city.

It was thrilling, of course. But absolutely terrifying.

This was all new to me.

I was a cancer patient. I was bald. I would be losing my breasts.

And of course, I was still torn up about my breakup (don’t get me wrong).

This wasn’t an ordinary breakup. I had my cancer to be worried about too. I had that extra layer of self-consciousness to fret over.

While the average person can just get up and move on, I was pretty weighed down by the fear of dying.

I know I had a few judgemental comments about ‘how I was moving on fast’ from a few people, but that didn’t deter me. What the FUCK do these people know? NO ONE I knew had been through something like this.

So here I was going on an average of 2 dates per week around working part-time, maintaining a workout routine, and going to the hospital for treatment.

My experiences with the Dating Apps

I was pretty picky with who I wanted to ‘match’ with. Which meant I was being pretty critical of looks and what men had written in their biographies— trying desperately to only talk to men I thought might be nice and understanding, or at the very least, down to chat as friends to ease my loneliness. (Of course, 3 photos and a few sentences about yourself never does anyone justice, but remember I was in protection-mode).

Apart from a handful of super creepy messages, I was overall pretty impressed by the people I talked to.

I’d like to think I’m pretty good at communicating, so most of the time I carried on quite a few entertaining conversations at once and this kept me busy.

Anytime I was on my own, the anxiety and fear of dying alone crept in and let me tell you— that is one fucking awful feeling.

So, sure, this was a bandaid solution for health and happiness, but I think it kept me sane at the time.

How did I discuss my Cancer with Dates? And how did my Dates Respond to my Cancer Diagnosis?

9/10 times I told the men I was messaging pretty early on into our conversation what I was dealing with.

Some of them I told over messages, some over phone conversations, and some, in person on a date.

It usually went along the lines of “I’m dealing with some pretty intense health issues right now.” “Yeah, I’m actually midway through breast cancer treatment.”

I remember most of them being incredibly compassionate.

The good:

I remember going on a few dates with this one man where we’d simply walk the park with his dog and talk about our families, careers, dreams, and my health. He was so sweet. (We didn’t work out because I wasn’t sure the attraction was there for us. Though I’m kind of sad it didn’t at least turn into a friendship since he was so interesting and sincere).

I remember dating another man that was super curious about my wig and emotional well-being that we started talking about therapy and little things he could do to make me smile. (We didn’t work out because he had children and I wasn’t sure that was right for me to get involved with at the time).

Another man I ended up seeing for a few months found out about my cancer on our third date. He just said “that doesn’t bother me” and went in for a kiss anyway. (We didn’t work out because he wasn’t sure he was ready for a longterm committed relationship).

The bad:

Now, don’t get me wrong— I’m not naive. I know some men will say anything just to get in your pants, and being ill is the perfect state of vulnerability to score I bet some men think…

I kept my walls up just enough to protect myself, but also to allow myself to have fun.

Some men would message just simply telling me what they wanted to do with me.

Some men would squirm and attempt to get off the phone as soon as possible and wish me well.

Some men would ghost completely.

Overall Experience

Overall, I’m proud of putting myself out there. I’m proud I sometimes asked people out and made the first moves. I’m proud I tried new things. I’m proud I was social and took charge of my loneliness and situation as best I could.

There are sweet people in this world, but you just have to be careful.

You also have to be okay with rejection during your most fragile time of life.

So if you feel as though this will hurt you more mentally, self-esteem-wise, or anything like that— just hold off. Listen to your gut and heart.

Where am I at now?

I am happy to say I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for over 5 months now.

Our story goes a little something like this…

We matched on Tinder late April. We messaged back and forth for a few days before he suggested a phone call (mind you, this was during COVID quarantine!)

Within the first 20 minutes of our 2.5 hour first phone ‘date’, I told him I had cancer.

He didn’t skip a beat. “Aww, I’m sorry you’re dealing with something so shitty… tell me about it.”

He ended up asking me on a ‘video’ date the next night and again we talked for 2-3 hours (we had both grabbed a beer and just chatted about life haha).

We talked about everything and anything (I’m sometimes TOO open a book, I think— but oh well, I like to be honest and to put everything on the table, so to speak). We discussed mastectomy tattoos and wig options. It was a relief to talk to someone new unrelated to cancer about the bullshit I was dealing with.

We hit it off strong and messaged constantly.

I could tell he was interested in me because he started nearly every conversation and asked me plenty of questions about myself.

My surgery date was then scheduled for April 29th and he wished me good luck.

We didn’t talk as much that first week after surgery as I was just in pain or sleeping most of the time and had put dating and men on the back burner to heal, of course.

But he’d check in every day or two to ask how I was healing up.

We met officially 3 days after receiving the greatest news of my life— “You are cancer free.”

I suggested he come to my place and walk the neighbourhood— social distancing, of course.

I still had a drain tube in on this walk but got dolled up (wig, makeup, and false lashes) and tucked it neatly under my shirt and into my shorts (hahaha). It was a 30 degree day and I was in a tank top and shorts (so it wasn’t perfectly hidden). I was also completely flat chested but wore a little padded bralette that made me look just fine.

By this point we had already chatted for quite a few hours and the conversation went pretty smoothly in person too.

He still jokes to me that he doesn’t think I looked at him once on the walk. I remember nervous-rambling and constantly moving to keep the energy going (why am I so awkward?)

I was still talking to other men at this point but he was the only one I bothered to meet in person and after another week or so I told everyone I had been messaging that I was seeing someone and deleted the dating apps for good.

And the rest is history.

I am very lucky to have found a man who doesn’t mind my scars or short hair. He thinks I’m beautiful. He doesn’t mind when I get into quiet or upset moods. He either allows me to talk about it or just sits in silence holding my hand. He is supportive of everything I do…

And most importantly, he constantly shows me he cares…

“You are the strongest woman I know and I am so proud of you.”

I know I deserve this love despite this shitty chapter of my life and the possible ‘what ifs’. You do too.

I don’t want to put too many timelines or pressures to our relationship because you just never know. But at the same time, I want to live life to the fullest and not hold back.

Trying to ‘live in the moment’ can prove to be difficult at times, especially with the constant anxiety and fear of recurrence over your head, but as I’ve said time and time again: you just never know in life. So live in the moment and make the best of today.

For now I am just happy to have a supportive and loving partner who can either go on epic camping adventures with me, or simply sit beside me on the couch as we play video games. It’s the little things in life that bring the most joy and they’re best when not experienced alone.

If you have any specific questions about dating apps, intimacy post-mastectomy, or anything along these lines, feel free to email me! shestayststongblog@gmail.com

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